Only Jesus

Precious Lord Jesus, in You there is fullness of joy! At Your right hand there are pleasure forevermore! 

Yet for so long, I have dwelt in darkness thinking that this joy and pleasure was somehow out of my reach. Wrongly did I think that if only I could read my Bible enough, pray enough, memorize enough Bible verses, search my motives and empty every action of pride enough, and do all in my power to meet all the standards in Your Word---then perhaps I would be able to walk with You like Enoch, be Your friend like Abraham, see Your glory like Moses, be a person after your own heart like David, be greatly loved by You like Daniel, and somehow when I reach Heaven's shores I would be special to You and not just one of the faces in Heaven's vast throng of Saints. I have wearied myself seeking Heaven's reward, despaired when all I have seen in my work has been sin, and sat long hours in the darkness knowing I would never be good enough to reach my desired haven and my actions never pure enough to be awarded the place in Heaven that I long for---as close to You as sitting on Your lap with Your arms around me (just like my little Lior likes to sit on my lap).

In sorrow I have cried out to You for help, and Your answer to me seemed to be one of showing me yet again how futile and vain my attempts were to be close to You, to seek heavenly rewards, to long for a relationship to You as whoever I might be reading about in the Bible or History. Not only did everything within me seem to keep me from You, but all my circumstances seemed to hinder my spiritual growth (kept me from my personal sanctification plan); and when I started looking back I felt no end to my miseries! Thoughts bombarded me: if only I had been born with a different personality, had a different set of abilities (if I had been blessed with any to begin with!), had better talents or spiritual gifts, and my list of complaints grew longer with each new complaint and discontentment. My self-pity became a prison of darkness from which I viewed the world. Oh, Lord, how I have viewed You as my admission ticket into Heaven; but to get to the really fun, cool, big rides I'd have to somehow work for you here on earth and earn enough spiritual points to get the premium ticket into Your presence so that I could have the joy of being able to enjoy You in big ways. Lord, I have been taught and believe that spiritual reward is being given a bigger ability to enjoy You and glorify You. Yet deep within I know that my actions show that I really think spiritual rewards is a position and place close to You. So if I blow it here on earth then I am destined to live a life in Heaven distant from You always looking back through the veil of History with regret for having not done enough for You.

For a long time, Lord, I was able to keep up with my sanctification plan, but by grace You overwhelmed me with failure, brokeness, and the darkness of my purpose. And in my hopeless darkness You did miracle of miracles! A light dawned inside me like the rising sun, which grew brighter and brighter! My darkness and self-righteous pursuits were overtaken by the Light of God's precious Word! And all within me resounded the song of Eternity: "ONLY JESUS!"

Suddenly, I realized I had been living my life as Martha seeking to impress others, the Lord Jesus, and probably most of all myself by how much I did for Lord. I had been missing out on the "good portion" that Mary had chosen (the portion I thought my work would merit me---a place close to Jesus!)  because I was busy and distracted by many things. This all dawned in my soul as I was deep inside my pit of self-pity and bitterness. You, Lord, brought me to the end of my works and I was stuck fast by my sin. I had nowhere to look but up into Your grace filled face. You made me sit and be still in Your presence, You wounded me that I might be healed, You broke me that You might pour Your love deep inside me. Oh, Lord, I was trying to do all this work for You without Your love and in Your kindness You broke me that I might know Your love and pour Your love out to others through all the broken places of my life.

And suddenly steps appeared leading out of my pit of destruction, set there by my Savior's nail pierced hands...steps of thanksgiving and praise leading me to my Rock---the Lord Jesus! Lord, You led me into giving thanks for every tiny gift You give. You showed me that all in my life is a gift of Your grace to show me Your love for me so that I might know You and in knowing You have exceedingly great joy full of glory! 

For in seeing all things in my life as a gift from You, my heart is greatly humbled by Your grace; and like a little baby bird awaiting its every meal with face looking upward and mouth open, I too wait on You moment by moment to receive from Your hand the provision that I need---and in this is Your sanctification plan seen in me! The wondrous gifts You send tell me of who You are and paint for me a picture of the Gospel in living colors. You bless me with food that I might know what it is like to hunger and be filled. You bless me with water that I might know what it is like to thirst and be satisfied. Your gifts point me to You, Lord! You also have blessed me with a husband so that I might know what it is like to be the Bride of Christ and show others this picture with my life. Yet You also take away Your gifts, and You have sent seasons in my life where You have used the Army to take my husband away in months of training and a deployment, but only so that I might know You and Your wondrous love! For in losing Your gift of a husband for a time, I have gained true joy and the real treasure, which is You---my Heavenly Husband!

Lord, You give and take, You provide all that we need, and You beautifully teach us that all we need is You! These are beautifully hard lessons that yield great joy and peace to those who surrender to Your will and plan for their lives. For to have Jesus is to have EVERYTHING including joy and peace! And in such joy I begin to see the Gospel of peace everywhere played out in front of me---everything points to Christ!

I look back on my life and instead of complaining and wallowing in regret or bitterness, I give thanks to You, Lord, and everything that I touch with thanks to You turns to gold! The darkness scatters, and I see that in Christ my life is one giant, walking miracle of His love!

Instead of fearing the future, all I see is TODAY for that is Your present to me, Lord, and with my little hands opened to Heaven, I wait for You to give or take and most of all You've brought my heart to long for You to give me only Yourself...that in all Your gifts, I would only enjoy You. And so I live moment by moment in Your presence.

I do not envy Enoch anymore for I walk with You and You with me all throughout the day as we clean dishes and clutter and sweet babies and most of all as we love Jesus in everything we do, and of course You love Him most of all and are teaching me to love Him more too as You open my eyes to His great love for me! I do not sheepishly hold myself back from calling myself Your friend, for that is what I am and You are mine! I boldly march into Your presence because of Jesus and ask to see Your glory in every speck of my life, and You show me Jesus in the most wonderful and most unlikely places. I know I am a person after Your heart because I need mercy and I cry for Your mercy day and night! I do not cower back discouraged by my sin, but run for Your Throne of Grace to lift high the name of Jesus and show You the blood that covers me from Your Son, which is a fragrant offering to You. You joyfully forgive me! And I will joyfully receive your forgiveness as one of Your many great benefits to me as Your child because of Jesus! I know I am greatly loved by You as Daniel for I am covered in Christ's blood! He has kissed me with His Word, sealed me with His Spirit, and broken me that I may might live close to His heart! I no longer wish for other people's relationship with You, Lord, for You have given me my own and it is my most precious treasure! To know You is my heart's greatest joy! This is what it means to be loved by You, God! This is why You sent Jesus to save me! You did it that I might know You and in knowing You be filled with inexpressible joy and give You glory! 

I can be as close to You, Lord, as I want to be! If I want to be right up on Your lap with my little, dirty face mushed up to yours, kissing You and smiling and drinking in the shine from Your eyes (as my little Lior does to me!) then that is my privilege because of Jesus! I no longer "work" to be near You, I no longer seek to read my Bible, pray, and do other spiritual disciplines so as to receive a "spiritual reward" of some special place near my Savior. No, I enjoy the place He has already died to secure for me! And every moment my joy grows! Your Word is my reward as I sit at Your feet listening to You. Talking to You is my reward that gives me greater joy every day. Hiding Your Word in my heart is my reward that grows with every verse that I hide deep within. 

Your Kingdom is growing in my heart! You have severed unseen cords to this life, and all I long for is to do Your will! How I need Your help every moment to do this. How I need to be tested again and again to make the Hope of Jesus shine brighter in me, and You will do it, Lord, and I will say, " Let Your will be done" by Your power as I live life with You in thanksgiving to my Father and love to my Savior. I no longer "work" for my reward---I have the reward, JESUS! Jesus is my portion and my cup! I sit at His feet that I might drink deeply of my reward and may deepen its depths! 

I live the Gospel, I see the Gospel, and I search for the Gospel in everything. Oh, Lord, I sit at Your feet completely content and happy. Yet You call me to go and be the picture of You going and searching out the lost sheep. And so I get up from sitting at Your feet drinking in sweet delight from Your presence, and I go to my husband and my children with a message of Good News! I love them because to me loving them is loving Christ. Kissing them is kissing Jesus to me! Serving them food and drink and helping them is my way to do all these things for my precious Savior! I no longer "work" for my reward, but I run to my reward! I run to Jesus again and again all throughout the day for I need Him every moment and in every action. I no longer drearily wait for Heaven when I shall dip my cup into the endless ocean of Your love to be filled with the joy of knowing You, Lord, but I ask You to fill my cup now with a taste of eternal life, and oh how it fills me with joy and I want more and more of my reward---JESUS!  For indeed He is my portion and my cup. I am the woman at the well, because I have met someone who has told me everything I ever did, and He has given me a drink of Living Water! I cannot help but share my joy with all who will taste and see that you, Lord, are good! I think, Lord to sum up my joy into one simple sentence from You, would be: "Cease striving and know that I AM God!"

I have found rest for my soul and His name is JESUS! He is the one who stills the storms of my life and who at times simply rides them out with me. He is the one who causes the seas to crash and the winds rise, and He is the one inside me who says "Peace, be still." He is the one who calls to me to walk upon the waters of my storms and He is the one who reaches out to save me when I sink below the waves. And He is the one, Lord---yes, Jesus is the One who will bring me to my desired haven for the sake of His great name! How I love You for You have filled me with Your love now and for all eternity. 

O Lord, You lead me into the desert just as You led the Israelites into their wandering wilderness season. It is painfully hot and dry in the desert with little provision to speak of and quite truly an ugly place to be. Oh, but my eyes are beholding the wrong thing, Lord, for You do not bring me into the desert to enjoy the desert! No, you bring me to the desert to know You! The desert was where You planned your Honeymoon with your people Israel, but all they did was complain. And complaining hardened their hearts. How I thank You for their example, Lord, that You have written down for me.

If the deserts of my life are especially designed by You as our Honeymoons together---then bring on the deserts, Lord! I want to know You. I have not always had this perspective on deserts, Lord, so many I have trudged through as I grumbled and murmured in my heart. You are ever a merciful God who has still turned my grumbly desert times into blooming, bountiful ones in Your presence. 

And now, Lord, as I march toward another desert of sorts as my husband will soon be sent far away again by the Army, I feel a certain joy growing in me---not because it is a joy to have my husband leave, not because it will be fun and easy, not because it is a joy to feel pain and loneliness. No, the joy comes because I am not looking at the desert, but I am looking at my Heavenly Husband Jesus! And He's coming to take me on a honeymoon with Him. How could I not be happy! Lord, isn't this why Paul writes in 2 Corinthians that we are sorrowful yet always rejoicing!

And so, Lord, your kindness humbles me that you would love me so deeply so as to plan another sweet honeymoon for me so that I might know You more. And know that when Your provision seems sparse around me, it is only so that my eyes would turn upward into Your loving face to see Jesus shining in His glory! And I will know that the reason He is all that You give me in the desert is because He is all that I need. 

So, Lord, I will sing Your praises in the desert, I will pour out thanksgiving to You in a dry and weary land, I will plant the seeds of Your promises deep within my heart, I will cry and water those seeds with my tears, I will wait for You to accomplish Your purposes of growing Your promises in me in the desert, I will watch as those seeds turn into a harvest of glory that I shall give to You in praise as the Gospel is painted on the pages of my life by Your own tender hand, I will cling to Your Word in the desert, and even when everything in my life seems to contradict You and say, "God does not love You anymore," I will believe Your Word that You love me because of Jesus and nothing can ever separate me from Your love, O Lord, especially in the desert.